Watched this weekend: The Bank Job, with good old Jason Statham stolidly refusing to act as usual. Verdict? Surprisingly not very terrible! I mean, it wasn't as life-changing as the frankly incredible Crank, nor was it as 80's-saxophonically transporting as The Transporter, but it was a thing that didn't manage to horrify me, unlike the jaw-dropping Uwe Boll choad-poker In the Name of the King. Well done, Jason!

And then along comes Death Race, apparently for the sole reason of restoring Statham's singularly depressing reputation for allegedly acting in whatever nauseating thing that presents itself. Let's prejudge it first up.

Death Race

Let us not speak further of Statham, nor let us mention Ian McShane, because . . . let's just not. Let us instead discuss Joan Allen, who has gotten a laughable amount of weird press over her appearance in this astounding pile of crap. Some critics seem personally affronted that Joan Allen has deigned to appear in this drag queen of an action movie.

This kills me.

Does it occur to nobody else that Joan Allen was dying to do a movie like this? Why not spend a couple hours chewing on this cinematic bacon when all she's done for the last fifteen years is play these emotionally brittle fucked-up broads? Here's an abbreviated list of some of her previous movies:

Searching for Bobby Fischer
Nixon
The Ice Storm
Face/Off
Pleasantville
The Contender

Jesus. I'm surprised she hasn't just moved to dom-porn yet. Twisting Jason Statham's nuts seems like a moderate exercise considering the logical alternatives.

Babylon A.D.

IMDB tells me:

Veteran-turned-mercenary Thoorop takes the high-risk job of escorting a woman from Russia to America. Little does he know that she is host to an organism that a cult wants to harvest in order to produce a genetically modified Messiah.

With Vin Diesel, Michelle Yeoh, Gerard Depardieu and Charlotte Rampling. I predict that this movie will make eight hundred billion dollars at the box office. If I have any quibble with this movie--which I predict is going to shatter every cinematic record in history--it's just that I wish they had found a way to include Alan Alda in what is otherwise a spectacular, sense-making cast.

Traitor

Aptly named! Don Cheadle not showing off dialect work? Traitor, indeed. If you love America, you will not see movies where Don Cheadle doesn't speak with an accent. Disgusting.

College

Awesome. Why not just call it Movie? Or, say, Boobs? Or how about But If We Came In Their Faces, It Would Be Porn? I'm just trying to be helpful.

I'm obviously not the target audience here, but I'm also struggling to think of who is. Is it really college students? And if so . . . are they taking their dates with them? Are their girlfriends really going to put up with this shit? And if so . . . why? Do they hate themselves? Or do they like vengeful after-movie hate-fucking? It's a confusing world.

I can't really talk. I once took a girlfriend to see Bonfire of the Vanities. She rightfully broke up with me a week later. Still.

Anyway, all that said, I do recommend this film to anyone--and I know you're out there--interested in following the career arcs of talented actors such as Drake Bell, Andrew Caldwell, Carolyn Moss, and most especially Wendy Talley, who, as "Kevin's Mom," I can only assume has got it going on.

Bangkok Dangerous

I . . . I'm so tired.

The funny thing is, while there are certain movies that I'd sooner die than go see in the theaters, there are movies like this that I also think to myself: I cannot fucking wait for this to hit pay-per-view. It's strange how many of these movies seem to feature Nic Cage.

Disaster Movie

Needs more Nic Cage.

Really, these goddamned fucking blighted legfucking garbage scows just make me channel my inner Travis Bickle.

Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up.

Here is a man who is standing up. I will not take this fucking shit any more. Joan Allen is standing right here with me: she's a strong woman who is also saying "I will not take it up my professionally tensed ass any more! I will star in wretched projects like Death Race rather than playing neurotic housewives for the rest of my career!" We stand side by side; over there, out from the wings, comes Nic Cage, waving his proud mullet. WE STAND TOGETHER, OR SOMETHING!

Meanwhile, the assholes who unleash shit tornadoes like Disaster Movie on us--I see that the movie visually quotes at least five different non-disaster movies--just repurpose Travis Bickle quotes right back at us:

I got some bad ideas in my head.